Nirala Books: SOS : Surviving Suicide Anthology Highlight : CARLOTTA ALLUM's "We Watched Her"

CARLOTTA ALLUM

We Watched Her

Hannah was always striking, angelic long hair,

Hannah stayed with us a lot, roaming the house

dressed only in an oversized Stone-Roses tee shirt

We watched her

Hannah could write beautifully, cursive, neat beyond her years

Hannah liked to dance, as a child on the stage in the West End,

the Royal Ballet School took note

We watched her

Hannah was super smart, reading Natural Sciences at Cambridge

Hannah was sent home in her first term

after setting fire to herself in front of her tutors on stage

We watched her

Hannah spent hours in the shower and washing her hands

Hannah was weighing everything she ate

She was painfully thin

We watched her

Hannah was working as a dominatrix

Hannah had lined the walls of her room with tin foil

as people were listening

We watched her

My psychiatrist asked me

if there was any mental illness in the family

I think of Hannah, her light burning bright

When Hannah was well, she embraced life, she danced

I admired her, watched her

Hannah was on a suicide ward outsmarting the nurses

Hannah kept back medication and smuggled in a plastic bag

Her mum knew, “She’s going to do it”

“PLEASE, WATCH HER”

They didn’t watch her

From the Press:

As a result of her death, Cambridgeshire and Peterborough NHS Foundation Trust made changes to their patient observation policy. It would only have taken around eight minutes for Miss Allum to take her own life.

“For us, reliving our worst fears that Hannah might take her life and our endless efforts to make those caring for her recognise those concerns, has been, at times, impossible to bear. We will al-ways feel that Hannah was failed by the trust. We understand that certain things are now different as a direct result of Hannah’s death, but this is too little too late for our dear Hannah or for us. We want Hannah to be remembered for her beauty, intelligence and wit.”

Carlotta Allum is Director at Stretch Charity that continues to support vulnerable groups to access the arts and education, centered mostly on storytelling and the power to transform through positive and creative life stories.

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